Overdue...

It's been a long time since I've written anything on here. Time has gotten away from me a bit as the semester picked up speed and projects and productions began to whiz along. I am still dealing with being an outsider here. I still feel uncomfortable at times, but I think that's because I'm still getting used to being here away from just about everything I've ever known.

I'm also coming to terms with what the program here is offering me, and I've decided to leave it. I met with my advisor last Thursday, and, though I agreed to make a list of the things that I would need in order to stay, I've realized that no matter what changes here, I will not change the way I need to change in order to be happy in this place. I'm going home to Tennessee December 15, and I'm not sure what I'll be doing next semester. I'm still holding out some hope that I will be able to really connect with some folks at Humboldt State in Northern California, but it's been difficult getting people to talk to me, which might be a sign. I feel as though I'm questioning a lot of things, not the least of which is my self-worth. I'm just really upset about this, and I'm having trouble justifying my feelings. I am angry and disappointed and stressed out that I'm not going to be able to find a school that will accept me next semester. I guess I'm mad at the program and my advisor, but I'm also mad at myself. How could I have just made this huge change without doing enough research to see what this program was? I guess I'm just appalled at my own ignorance of this place. I'm mad that education and educators aren't honest about what they can provide and to whom they are able and willing to provide it. I have a simple goal: teach theater. I don't care to be famous or known. I just want to be a better teacher and a better designer. I want to inspire others as others have inspired me.

So, I guess that's cheesy and weird. It's certainly cheesy and weird to re-read it and know that those are my words, and that might be how I feel. But I guess that's what these things are for? To air out thoughts? To ramble and explore? Maybe that's just what I'll use it for at this moment.

Anyway, friends and loved ones, please avoid calling me and asking me if I'm okay after reading this. I'm depressed and stressed out, and I'm dealing with a lot of stuff, but this place will be a memory soon. Some of it was really good and fun, and I've made some friends and seen some things that I would never have been able to make and see if I hadn't come here. And this will lead me somewhere else. It's only a step on the path, and if you know me well enough, you know that I take things as they are dealt to me. If I don't get back on here before Thanksgiving, I hope everyone reading this has a great holiday. I miss you.

If anyone's in the big Johnson City mid-December to the first of January, give me a call. I'll need diversion!